Memories & Feelings Unleashed….

Today is Sunday, June 25,2006. Nothing special about this day… It has been 3 weeks since I heard the "bad news". I am much better now, not much tears..though as I said…acceptance has not really sunk into me. Hearing mass almost daily would always leave me teary eyed in the first week or so.

This morning I woke up saying I would not cry during the mass; I would go through it with my chin up and say "I am ready to fight and bounce back…" The priest started his sermon with a story…

"Jesus was on a ship with his disciples, braving a storm. Jesus was fast asleep and all the disciples were wide awake…afraid of what might happen to them. So they woke Jesus up and asked him to do something about it. And Jesus just answered…you say you trust me? Then put your faith and trust in me…"

Just like flicking the switch of a light, tears rolled down my face with the realization of it all. Oftentimes we say that we have faith and that we trust HIM. The big question is, do we put our trust in him? These are two different things… saying something … and actually doing it. Don’t you think so? I do not know where I am heading at this point, but I definitely have to let go of all these and lift it up to HIM.

I honestly am not back on my feet just yet and I am wondering whom I am trying to convince but I just know… "When a storm comes into our lives, it will definitely toss us around but always remember there is CALM after the storm.

Imagine a glass on top of a table with all its glory… shining and standing proud. Every so often, someone comes along to use it then cleans it up when it gets soiled.

…… Compare it to your own life… isn’t that how it is? We stand proud and tread the path of life making the most of what we want and what we have. People come in and out of our lives. Some stay and become our friends and buddies. Some come and use us and leave us shattered and broken . But what the heck, we try our best to stand up and go on with life with our chins up, braving the storm that has beset us.

Sometimes, it seems that our life comes to a standstill. We break our heads thinking….    

• what do i really want
• what is my purpose in life
• what will make me happy
• what will make me fulfilled as a person

and on goes the list as you fervently pray for enlightenment and guidance. Then one day you wake up with a smile on your face, knowing what you want to do. Days, weeks, months and years pass and you go on with this mission you have set out to do. You never stop praying and hoping that this is in accordance with what our BIG BOSS up there wants for us. But as you go on preparing for this mission, you realize that everything goes smoothly… you are happy, you feel fulfilled, your schedule falls into place…. you believe that this is what HE wants you to do… your purpose in life… TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS…

Then you step out of the comfort zone you have known for so long ready to face the world which you have chosen to go into. Ready to serve others and fullfill  your dream. You leave your old life behind for a simpler but more fulfilling life with HOPE and knowing that you definitely can make a difference in the lives of others. You leave your friends who have encouraged you to move on, who have always been there by your side… missing them so much and yet you are so happy to have made this bold change.

But things don’t turn out as you expect it to be. With all the hope, energy, enthusiasm, faith that you have brought along you suddenly find out that all these DREAMS of yours are SHATTERED……………

YOU YOURSELF FEEL SHATTERED TO THE VERY CORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1.   Questions come to your mind……Why did this happen to me when my intentions are pure?; Why am I going through this when all my life I have been following what other people want me to do. For once… I am doing something for myself.

The questions are endless. Even if the tears have dried up, acceptance has not yet fizzled in.. and yet deep down inside, you know… that for every dark day in our lives… there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

THIS IS ME…. THIS IS WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME…

I still don’t know what to do or think off right. I pray for strength that I can go through this "crisis" I have right now. I know I will… I just need to keep the faith and have patience… The time is not right, it is not yet in accordance with HIS will for me. But in every crisis I go through, I always say "THY WILL BE DONE" One day soon, when the time is right everything will fall into place. And what I have set out to do will be mine to have…..

    GOD is to wise to be mistaken…

    GOD is too good to be unkind…

    So… when you dont understand…             

    When you dont see HIS plan…

    When you cant trace HIS hand…

    HAVE FAITH AND TRUST HIS HEART

As life has gone on for me… so have trials come my way.

Leaving was not an easy decision. It had years of preparation in between which not all fun. It gained me new friends along the way and added more information into this rusty ‘ol brain of mine but I loved every minute of it.

I arrived in this place… met by some people who cared for me .  Little did I know what was in store for me a month after. I was happy and contented… I went to and from Baltimore to NJ every week. They were wonderful to me and still are. The family I stayed with in Randallstown, MD were so accommodating and warm.

I haven’t really been around much. Mostly tagging along with my cousins.

They brought me to Famous Dave’s with the delicious ribs and whatever you could feast on… Oh by the way.. that’s a platter good for 4 people… We were only 3 then and that left us really really "bundat" with all the stuff that we ate….

Then theres the Tarantella restaurant where they serve Spanish Food… mmmm lami gihapon ug makalisang ang servings. Puno ang restaurant so we had to wait outside freezing…. That’s my cousin Kuya Kix with me…

On Easter Sunday, their kids came home… it sure was nice to see them again…all grown up… Off we went to church at 11 a.m. then we had lunch at home… Kare-Kare, lechon kawali. dessert was Mango float and leche flan…. Lami…..

That’s me and Kuya Kix on the left and Ate Tess on the right. The kids….mmmm asa na ba tu sila… they’re somewhere around… I could not find their pictures….hahaha Anyhow, I had a grand time with them….

At one time, I went to Washington DC… Incidentally, this picture is the same pose I had three years ago…in the maroon sweater and a beige cap… Precisely why I had it taken again…hahaha… Then here’s the dining room and of course the bedroom where all the snoring happens. Abi ninyo unsa no? But anyway… part and parcel of all this I am relaying to you are the memories that will always be with me. Kung pinadrama pa… memories that I will take to my grave.

I had the chance to again tag along with them to Georgia and Florida… Lucky me. It was the birthday of Ate Tessie’s brother and binyag of the apo… so here I am tagging along. That was taken during the binyag… The next day, off we went to Florida… They took me to Epcot…yippeee Lingaw kaayo ko murag bata… (actually ignorante…) I may not have a lot of pictures (not typical of me mind you) but the memories are what is most important. We spent the whole day there going to all the rides except 2.. And we stayed there till about 9 to watch the fireworks. Funny really how you get to see things you used to see only in books and on the internet… well it’s really worth it.

On our drive back to Washington DC, we passed by the South of the Border in South Carolina… Kinalingawan… They made me ride in this…whatever you call it..hahahah donkey nga murag ambut…. and of course, how could one not have a picture with Pedro… what the South of the Border is all about. It was a very long drive indeed… but I was the passenger after all so I could sleep when I wanted to and eat when I wanted to….

This seems to be like all fun diba…. but I’ll see what I have to say about what has been happening in between… It just is so hard to compose all the things that are happening to me…all the trials that I am going through right now….